Why Do Adult Friendships Feel Shallow? (And How to Deepen Them)
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Time to read 7 min
Adult friendships feel shallow because they've been replaced with life update catch-ups. We meet for brunch, tell each other what happened and then go home without actually experiencing much together. None of it is bonding and it often feels like admin work.
I didn’t fully understand what was missing until I attempted the David Goggins 4x4x48 Challenge with a group of people I barely knew.
And the data backs up that feeling: Across 22 EU countries, 8% of people say they have no close friends at all. Daily face-to-face contact with friends and family has declined consistently across Europe since 2006, even as remote contact has gone up - part of what researchers are now calling a friendship recession, according to Euronews' reporting on the OECD's Social Connections and Loneliness data.
If your friendships feel emptier than they used to, you’re not crazy, they probably are. Here's why do adult friendships feel shallow, and what you can do to make them feel close again.
Table of contents
Why is it so hard to make close friends as an adult?
Think back. School, university, those chaotic early-career years - friendships were different, because you were in the trenches together. You weren't swapping stories about struggles, you were living them, side by side: Pulling all-nighters. Figuring out how to pay rent. Panicking about your futures together.
You didn't schedule time to be friends. You just were.
Now, in adulthood, friendship gets confined to third spaces: coffee shops, dinner tables, pottery classes. Everything happens in a cushy, curated environment where you relay what happened in the separate trenches after the fact, instead of living through it together.
Why do adult friendships feel shallow even with close friends?
You've probably felt it: even your closest friends don't really know "the real you," not after a two-hour catch-up. And they probably don't. Who you are while you're figuring something out, working through something new, uncertain, not yet solved, is a huge part of who you actually are. Not the version of you that shows up rehearsed, safe, running on autopilot.
And who's around you for that part, not just the result, changes who you come out the other side as.
So how do you deepen a friendship that's already gone surface-level? One where you grow side by side, not just alongside each other? One that is meaningful and survives anything life throws at you?
The cure to boring friendships and feeling alone: do something unfamiliar, uncomfortable, or unpredictable together.
At least once a year, put yourselves somewhere that shoves you out of the safe, controlled spaces and forces you to rely on each other. It doesn't have to be extreme - it has to be uncomfortable enough that you can't perform your way through it. A few that actually work:
A half marathon or relay race. You can't fake your way through this one. Someone's going to see you struggle, and someone's going to have to help you finish - and this mindset shift will carry you in other parts of life, not just sports.
A multi-day camping or backpacking trip with no phones. Remove the safety net from boredom - no scrolling. Maybe you’ll create a fun game together, or find some other crazy ways to entertain yourselves.
A long, unglamorous journey - pick a random destination. You’ll have missed trains, language barrier, no fixed itinerary. Real-time problem-solving together, and inside-jokes that will keep you going.
A short activity that requires a mental jump - Skydiving, Ice water plunge, improv class, perform at an open-mic night - an activity where you have to hold hands to get to the other side will keep you together forever
Learning a new skill together where you’re all beginners - glassblowing, woodworking, orienteering. It gives you a place to focus your energy whilst growing together side by side.
You’ll notice that all of these challenges means you have to put yourself in a vulnerable position and trust that, in the midst of you being tired, frustrated and exposed - your friends will be there for you and you’ll be there for them.
What I learned from doing this myself
I did the David Goggins 4x4 Challenge with people I barely knew, and being in the pits of pain together bonded us. But more than that, it shattered a few illusions I had about myself. I thought I was good at being honest about how I was doing.
Then, mid-challenge, a new friend pointed out how well I'd been masking the pain I was clearly in. It made me realize I'd gotten so used to hiding it that I'd stopped even trying to ease it for myself - I just tolerated it. I couldn't ask for help unless it was offered first, and even then I kept the asks small. That one observation, from someone who'd only known me a few hours, changed how I show up in every friendship I have now.
It's also proof this works even when you're starting from zero - some of my closest friendships now started as strangers I did something hard with, not people I'd known for years. You don't need history for this to work. You need the experience.
That's the part catch-up hangouts can't give you.
If your friendships only exist over brunch, they're just performative life updates disguised as connection. If you and your friends haven't struggled, or played, through something together, do you actually know each other?
Catch-ups have their place. But if they’re the only way you spend time together, you may know the updates without really knowing the person living through them.
Why we created the Friends Deck
That experience stayed with me. It made me realise that close friendships aren’t built only by talking about life. They’re built by living some of it together.
That belief eventually became the Friends Deck, including 50 real-life challenges for your friend group.
We created it to get your friend group out of the usual meet-ups and into unfamiliar, playful and occasionally uncomfortable, real adventures — the kind that bring you closer, bring back that chaotic, playful-kid feeling, and turn into the story you're still telling each other 20 years from now.
Stop planning what you'll do before you even show up. Schedule the time, pull a card, and let the deck pick your adventure. Your only job is to bring the banter and surrender to the journey.
Be the first to draw a card
Early access for Friends Deck opens September 2026
Join the waitlist now to be first through the door
If you don’t want to wait, we have other Sidequests you can find our website. One to be played solo or in a small group, date night sidequests and more.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why do adult friendships feel shallow?
Adult friendships can feel shallow because shared experiences often get replaced by scheduled life-update catch-ups. You may know what is happening in your friends’ lives without seeing how they respond to something new, uncertain or challenging.
The friendship isn’t necessarily broken. It may simply be missing the spontaneity, vulnerability and shared experiences that once created closeness.
Why is it hard to make close friends as an adult?
It’s harder to make close friends as an adult because we have fewer opportunities for repeated, unplanned time together. Work, relationships, distance and busy schedules turn friendship into something that has to be organised.
Close friendships still develop, but they require intention: spending time together regularly, sharing real experiences and gradually letting each other see the less polished parts of who you are.
How can I deepen an existing friendship?
Do something together that takes you beyond your usual catch-up. Try an unfamiliar activity, start a shared project, create a recurring ritual or plan an adventure with a little uncertainty.
You can also deepen the friendship by asking more specific questions, being honest before everything is resolved and allowing your friend to help you.
Closeness grows through repeated moments of trust, vulnerability and play.
What are some friendship activities for adults?
Try training for a relay, taking a spontaneous day trip, camping without phones, learning a new skill, volunteering, completing a scavenger hunt or attempting an unfamiliar recipe together.
The best friendship activities introduce novelty, collaboration or a little unpredictability.
They give you something to figure out together, and usually create better memories than another carefully scheduled coffee date.
Do shared experiences have to be difficult or extreme?
Not at all. The goal isn’t to suffer or put yourselves in danger.
An experience only needs to interrupt your routine enough that you become fully present with each other.
That could mean trying an improv class, exploring somewhere new, cooking without a recipe or letting a coin toss decide your day.
Choose something safe and accessible that creates shared uncertainty, play or problem-solving.
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Aisha Patel
Aish is the co-founder of One More Sidequest, a brand creating real-world challenges that help people break routine and experience more of life.
From her adventurous and challenging experiences, she understood that closer friendships are built by living through things together & not only talking about them afterwards.
Read more about the founders and the philosophy of One More Sidequest